Actual 911 call:

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police
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Funny signs:

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."


At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."


In a Restaurant window :
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."


And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak "
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30 harsh things a woman can say to a naked man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.
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Things you can only say at thanksgiving

1. Talk about a huge breast!

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. It has nice legs!

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

5. Whew, that was one terrific spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. Its a little dry, Do you still want it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. 10. Don't play with your meat.
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15 Things a man can do at Wal-Mart while his wife is taking her sweet old time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in Housewares . . . and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you're sleeping over; invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!"

And last but not least:

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "There's no toilet paper in here!"
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TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE AREN'T
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!
5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the #1 thing that sounds dirty, but at the office isn't:
1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM AREN'T:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffiest one he could.

And the #1 thing that sounds dirty, but in law isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF AREN'T:
10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

And the #1 thing that sounds dirty, but in golf isn't:
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.
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Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America ......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America ......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America ......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
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And finally, watch out for these new computer viruses.


The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a 7-inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 300 Mb hard drive shrinks to 100 Mb, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 200 Mb.

The Jack Kevorkian Virus - Deletes all old files.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy . . . then discards it through Windows.


Thank you and good night!

BOOM. I could find the origin if the rest but..Meh.

1. DON'T STEAL JOKES

2. Make your comedy act sound like you're having a conversation with the audience, don't just tell one joke after another otherwise it's not acually an act, rather a guy saying random jokes. Watch some routines on YouTube if you don't know what I mean.

3. Make jokes original to you (like weight, hair colour, name, accent, skin colour..) don't just spout off something anybody could say

4. Don't tell one different joke after another, keep them related and only funny because of the last thing you said. (Again, YouTube is a good reference)

5. DON'T STEAL JOKES

I didn't mean a literal comedy act >.< And actually I got them all from one website I'll be back

I read the first word. Then I gave up (wait, what was the first word again?)

this looks spam

lol @ the viruses XD

I read a few lines of each part. Didn't laugh once.

And btw, you should change your "only in america" jokes to "in many countries around the world" jokes.